Thursday, February 9, 2012

"Banner Ad Purgatory"

Do you ever spend all day online (of course you do) and wonder, "Wow, all this content sure is great! How can this possibly be free?" (Of course you don't). Well, the dirty truth is that it's not free, but you're not paying for it with money. You're paying for all that delicious content with tolerance-dollars.

All those free news websites, opinion pages, article and video web pages make their money off of advertising. And you get access because you're voluntarily exposing yourself to those horrible ads. 

You know, by making fun of these ads, I'm probably doing the jobs of the advertisers for them. In fact, I ought to be charging THEM a fee to make fun of their work. This comedy doesn't grow on trees, folks. Anyway, these ads are all taken straight from the web pages; with the exception of a little cropping to make them fit here, I haven't altered them at all.

Let that sink in as you read on. 

 I can only assume this fruit makes Americans skinny by choking them.

After carrying around cleavage like THAT all day, how could you NOT be exhausted? 

Wait... are banks giving mortgage breaks to survivors of domestic abuse? Because someone needs to call the cops for this poor woman.

Seeing as how this appears to be the same guy in both of these ads, I'm going to guess that his miracle muscle building secret is Photoshop.

There's a Micheal Jackson joke in there somewhere, but I just can't find it. The implications of 50% unemployment are too Mad-Max-y for me to focus. 

AAAGGGHHHHH!!! Forget teachers- Kentucky needs exorcists! AND FAST!

And finally, these two are my absolute favorites. 

I like to imagine that these two woman have super powers, and are involved in an epic interplanetary battle. Middle-aged-African-American-Light-Head woman, from the planet Grantopia, fights Freakishly-Tall-Eldery-Asian-Viking Woman for galactic dominance of grants to help people return to school. 

Assuming of course they qualify for said grants. That's always the kicker.


  1. I was thinking about being a teacher in Kentucky...but I just changed my mind.

    And I can't believe I didn't think about using photoshop so I could be in perfect shape! I'm gonna go buy some cookies and learn photoshop immediately.

    1. In my experience, Photoshop always works best with junk food present.